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I havn't written on here in a realllyyyyy long time, but I really need to get things out, and it seems I don't have many people to talk to. I can't believe this is happening to me. What did I do to deserve this? Why doesn't he see that bitch is a bitch? Is god trying to smite me?? Seriously, what the hell did I do to anyone?? Why does everything bad have to happen to me. I don't care what anyone says, my life sucks right now. I don't know how I was so strong before, it all went to hell today. Why do I even bother? Because I can't let go. I will never love anyone else, it is not possible. Is this a joke? Why would god give me my dream, the only thing I wanted in the world, to take it away? No wonder I don't want to believe in anything, why should I? I know he feels bad, but how can he not understand that this is killing me the most! That bitch does not care, otherwise she wouldn't have started this..everyone can see that. And now I feel like I'm being lied to, just the icing on the cake. Honestly, when are things not hard, there is always something, so many obstacles. I thought it was worth it..now I'm not sure. I'm not even sure what I want anymore..I don't even think I want kids, or to get married. Maybe I should end up a lady with 89437598 cats. I had everything planned, I don't know why I do that. I knew he was never with me, he never was on the same page as me. Yet I lied to myself and wouldn't admit it, and somehow I can't let go. It seems as though if I can't have the life I wanted with him, I don't really want it at all. No kids, no marriage, no nice house, I'm not sure if I want any of those things anymore. Why am I so dependent on him? I knew that was such a bad idea, and yet still I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I love him, I always will. I don't think I am strong enough to ever love anyone else, honestly I don't think I want to, no matter how this ends. But what scares me the most is turning out like the ex, or the old me. The horrible, lost, gross girl I used to be. I never want to be that girl again, I don't even want to know she existed. I tend to block those times out of my memory, but I am really scared it will happen again. And like the ex - I don't want to go crazy, fail out of school, lose my friends and family, make him hate me. I really am trying to be supportive, although I think many in my situation would not feel that way. I feel like I am being a very good best friend right now under the circumstances. I mean I am feeling the most pain, when it is the other two that are inflicting it upon me, yet I feel sad for them too, and I shouldn't. It is their fault, not mine, though I will never admit that to him. I know he can't help it, but I wish he would have TRIED to forget her. If I was in his situation and I loved him like I do, I would MAKE myself forget about that other person and make things up to him, but however, I am not worth it, I know this. I wish I was, I try to be. Yet, it is inevitable. I will always be no fun, no talent, plain, quiet, too nice Brittany. I used to be okay with that. Actually, that isn't even ture, I've always been insecure. I really can not believe I shared so many things though, I have a really hard time trusting people, letting them in. It really hurts now. So many things I was planning and dreaming of..don't matter anymore. I feel as though I lost, and I know EVERYONE tells me this is not true, I still feel it is. There is no other reason the bitch would be so happy, she does not feel sad, no matter how much she "tells" him so. I know she is only pretending to be guilty and care because who would want him to think otherwise in this situation? She would never have done this if she was such a sensitive person, even I, who am crazy jealous and not always sane, would NEVER do that to someone, even my worst enemy. I do not wish this on anyone, not even her. It is karma though, it is a bitch. I guess I deserve this in some way. I guess I should stop for now and go to bed. Why is it everytime I'm finally happy, something messes it up? This would happen to me. I will never have my happy ending. --- And I don't really mean ALL of this, I am just pretty fucking upset and mad right now. I will probably take it back tomorrow. I love you. |
